Let’s talk about something so simple yet so transformative in parenting: the power of truly listening to our kids.
If you’ve ever found yourself responding with advice, fixing their problems, or jumping in with reassurances, you’re not alone.
It’s what so many of us do—not because we’re bad parents, but because we care deeply and want to help.
But here’s the truth: what kids often need most isn’t a solution.
It’s to feel heard and understood. Let’s dive into why this matters so much and how we can shift from “fixing” to truly connecting.
The Mistake We All Make
Imagine this: Your child comes home from school, drops their backpack with a sigh, and says, “I feel like nobody likes me at school.”
Your heart sinks.
Of course, you want to make them feel better, so you respond, “That’s not true! You have so many friends!”
You might even list the names of kids who’ve come to their birthday parties or remind them of a recent playdate.
It seems supportive, doesn’t it? But for your child, it might not feel that way. Instead, they might think:
- They don’t understand me.
- They’re dismissing how I feel.
- Maybe I shouldn’t share this again.
The intention is love, but the impact can be invalidation.
When we respond with what we know instead of reflecting what we’ve heard, we miss an opportunity to connect.
Why Listening Matters
When children come to us with their worries, frustrations, or fears, they’re not just sharing words.
They’re sharing pieces of their inner world.
How we respond shapes how safe they feel to share in the future.
Listening deeply and reflecting their feelings:
- Builds Trust: Your child learns that they can come to you with anything, knowing you’ll listen without judgment.
- Strengthens Connection: Feeling understood creates a deep emotional bond.
- Encourages Emotional Intelligence: When you model empathy, your child learns to name and process their own emotions.
In those moments, your presence and understanding are more powerful than any piece of advice you could give.
Listening vs. Fixing
So how do we shift from fixing to listening? Here’s a simple framework to guide your responses:
Pause Before Responding: When your child shares something, resist the urge to jump in immediately. Take a moment to absorb what they’re saying.
Reflect What You Heard: Mirror their feelings without adding your own interpretations. For example:
Child: “I feel like nobody likes me at school.”
Parent: “It sounds like you’re feeling really lonely at school right now. That must be so hard.”
Validate Their Emotions: Let them know their feelings are valid, even if you see the situation differently. For example:
“It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
“I can see why that would upset you.”
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage them to share more by asking questions like:
“Can you tell me more about what happened?”
“What do you think might help?”
Hold Space: Sometimes, just being there and listening without rushing to “fix” is all they need.
Silence can be powerful.
The Magic of Feeling Heard
When you listen with empathy, something magical happens. Your child feels seen, valued, and understood. It’s like opening a door to their heart. Once they feel heard, they’re more likely to:
Develop resilience and problem-solving skills.
Open up further about their thoughts and feelings.
Be receptive to guidance or solutions (when they’re ready).
Real-Life Examples of Empathetic Listening
Let’s look at some common scenarios and how we can respond with empathy:
Scenario: The Fearful Child
Child: “I’m scared of the dark.”
Fixing Response: “There’s nothing to be scared of! See? No monsters here.”
Empathetic Response: “The dark can feel really scary sometimes. What do you think would help you feel safe?”
Scenario: The Frustrated Teen
Teen: “My teacher is so unfair!”
Fixing Response: “You just need to try harder. I’m sure they’re not being unfair.”
Empathetic Response: “It sounds like you feel your teacher isn’t treating you fairly. That must be so frustrating. Do you want to talk more about it?”
Scenario: The Lonely Child
Child: “Nobody played with me at recess.”
Fixing Response: “Why don’t you ask someone to play next time?”
Empathetic Response: “That sounds really lonely. I’m sorry you felt that way. Do you want to tell me more about what happened?”
The Ripple Effect of Listening
When children feel heard, it doesn’t just impact the moment—it creates a ripple effect:
- Increased Confidence: They learn that their feelings and opinions matter.
- Better Communication: They’re more likely to share openly in the future.
- Stronger Relationships: The bond between you and your child deepens, creating a foundation of trust and respect.
And here’s the beautiful part: when you model empathetic listening, you’re teaching your child how to listen to others.
They carry this skill into their friendships, future relationships, and beyond.
What If You’ve Been Fixing Instead of Listening?
If you’re reading this and realising you’ve been in “fix-it” mode more often than not, don’t worry. It’s never too late to change. Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about growth. Here’s how to start:
- Acknowledge the Shift: Share your intentions with your child. For example:
- “I realise that sometimes I jump in with advice instead of really listening. I’m going to try to do better because I want to understand how you feel.”
- Practice Active Listening: Make a conscious effort to pause, reflect, and validate their feelings in your daily interactions.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Notice the difference it makes when you listen with empathy. Celebrate those moments of connection and growth.
A Personal Reflection
I’ve been there.
I’ve jumped in with advice, tried to fix things, and unintentionally dismissed feelings—all because I wanted to help.
But when I started practicing empathetic listening, everything changed. I saw my child’s eyes light up with the relief of feeling understood.
I heard them share more, trust more, and open up in ways they hadn’t before.
It’s not always easy.
There are moments when I have to catch myself, take a breath, and remind myself to listen first.
But the connection it creates is worth every effort.
The Gift of Connection
At the heart of parenting is connection. When we listen with empathy, we’re telling our children: “You matter. Your feelings matter. I’m here for you.”
So the next time your child comes to you, pause before responding.
Listen fully.
Reflect their feelings.
And watch as the walls come down and the connection deepens.
You’re doing an incredible job, my friend.
Keep listening, keep growing, and keep loving.
Because sometimes, all they really need is to feel heard.